36. Tips from Wives "Older & Wiser"

Posted on June 27th, 2012

On June 25th, 2012 we were lucky to have three wonderful “older and wiser” women speak to us in a panel discussion about what has made their marriages last for over 25 years. These hand-picked, Islamicaly educated, bright women led an eye-opening talk by giving us a list of their most useful pieces of advice for us younger generation.

Here are 25 highlights:
  1. Think of your marriage as something that is meant to last forever…work through problems…don’t throw your marriage away easily.
  2. Choose someone older that you both trust to seek advice from along the way when you have problems…don’t wait until you are at a breaking point to ask for help.
  3. Take care of your Salah – prayer- and Allah will take care of your marriage.
  4. Admit when you are wrong and he is right…let go of your pride by saying “You have a good point” or “I didn’t think of it that way.”
  5. Cooperate…each couple should come to agreements about duties, etc.
  6. Let him know when you are hurt or what bothers you from the beginning…don’t let things bottle up inside of you.
  7. Realize that 50/50 doesn’t really work when it comes to taking care of your household…accept the fact that it’s more like 90/10 and you won’t be disappointed.
  8. Put Allah first…please Him in all that you do and He will take care of your marriage and your life as a whole.
  9. Be very patient.
  10. Make your husband your first priority.
  11. Keep in mind that when you are a good wife you get rewarded from Allah.
  12. Let the little things go.
  13. Use “I statements.”
  14. Listen instead of talking a lot…save the “bitty things” for the girls…spare him the details.
  15. Men aren’t mind readers.
  16. Don’t use disrespectful words like “Duh” or “Really” or “Whatever”… use Islamic expressions instead when you want to exclaim (and we all need to sometimes!) like “Subhanallah” or “Allahu Akbar.”
  17. Be positive, even when it seems bad…when the Shaitan (Devil) wants to break up society, he targets husband/wife relationships because they are the nucleus…so don’t let him do that by thinking negatively about your husband.
  18. Give him his rights (intimacy, etc…) for the reward from Allah.
  19. Keep in mind that men at an older age (around 50-60 years old) tend to want your attention more.
  20. Having many kids can help keep your relationship stable.
  21. Never go to bed angry.
  22. Both the husband and wife should put Islam as their focus.
  23. Create a road for the both of you to work towards…instead of always looking towards each other, look ahead together at this road.
  24. Forgive easily.
  25. If you are a stay-at-home mom, don’t put yourself down…being a good mom and wife can be the most difficult job in the world and it is very rewarding.

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Karima Khatib - June 27th, 2012 at 9:31 PM
MashaAllah Angie, you summarized everything so beautifully. This makes it easier to recall everything from the evening. JzakAllahkhr
Umm Zahraa - June 28th, 2012 at 8:57 AM
Felt like I was there! It'd be interesting to hear the details from points 19
Fatima - July 3rd, 2012 at 2:49 AM
السَّلاَمُ وَرَحْمَةُ اللّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُه
When I initially saw the heading of this article I thought that it was going to be about how us girls should always be the submissive ones etc. and the reward that comes with being submissive. However, this article is very enlightening and we should all take head of this advice, not only us ladies but the men as well.
وَعَلَيْكُمُ السَّلاَمُ وَرَحْمَةُ اللّهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ,
FAIZA - February 14th, 2013 at 8:10 PM
Samarah - April 29th, 2013 at 5:50 PM
Very helpful subhan'Allah. - i had a rough day & point number 7. "Realize that 50/50 doesn%u2019t really work when it comes to taking care of your household%u2026accept the fact that it%u2019s more like 90/10 and you won%u2019t be disappointed" just summed up my disappointment & made me realise next time i wont expect 50/50 & spare myself the disappointment!! Alhamdulilah!!
Medina Yasmine - April 29th, 2013 at 6:20 PM
I wouldn't necessarily agree with #2, as sometimes age isn't a factor because elders may have more experience in life, but not necessarily in love and marital relationships.
Medina Yasmine - April 29th, 2013 at 7:07 PM
These are some great tips. However, number 2, referring to only seek advice from older people isn't always the best of advice. While our elders have much more experience at life and should be respected as such, but that doesn't always mean that only they know best. When seeking help for marital advice, it's WISE to look to an unbiased source....someone who knows both parties or someone who doesnt know either parties. Although I am faster to take advice from those who have actually experienced being married, sometimes it isn't always about age. I've known quite a few younger married and divorced people who have studied within the marriage counseling field who are very well versed within the family dynamics. I don't mean to take any credibility away from this article, but I just didn't find that particular part to be entirely true. Allahu Alim.

Also #14, although it's good to choose your battles wisely and not make an issue about everything, that doesn't mean to "save the bitty details for the girls " when we aren't suppose to gossip. Never take issues or details within your marriage to anyone outside your marriage unless help is being sought in a particular issue. Be wise in whom you allow to enter your union, because the results will only effect the two parties involved.

And #20... Having many kids will help keep your marriage stable??? Really? I think this goes without saying. But we all know this isn't always the case. Sometimes when a marriage is in trouble, adding children to the equation will only cause for more issues resulting in bitterness and resentment. Never think that adding children to a marriage will help stabilze your relationship. Children are a huge responsibility of their own, not to be used as a pon within the game of chess of your marriage.
noura - May 11th, 2013 at 12:44 PM
Salam, I respectfully disagree with point number 7 about 50/50 vs 90/10.
Sunnah clearly contains so many examples of how a man can and has helped in household chores - look at the life of the beloved prophet pbuh and his companions. he other main point is that we only hope to obtain what we set our eyes to as goals. If I target an equal contribution, I may accept a slightly imbalanced reality (sometimes it will be to my advantage, sometimes to his); but if I expect to do 90 then I might as well accept to do it all. I don't call that cooperation.
Still, very good article, ty for posting!

UmmEsa - January 7th, 2014 at 4:40 PM
Assalamu Alaykum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuh

Thanks for sharing this, these are great tips, Masha Allah!

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